Have you ever met a woman who hasn’t proffered some sort of grievance about men? I haven’t. I must admit I, too, have been guilty of making generalizations about the inadequacies of men in relationship. Through my work with Terry Real (author of How Can I Get Through to You and The New Rules of Marriage), I have come instead to a place of compassion for men. In fact, I have made it my life’s work to assist the men in my practice in returning to that authentic state of emotional connection from which they were pulled away, usually by age 5. What I mean by that is boys are born into this world with all the same feelings and needs as little girls. Yet they are basically jerked away from their emotions with messages like “Don’t cry,” “Be a man,” “Don’t be a baby,” “You’re a big boy now,” and “Grow up!” Meanwhile, little girls are being comforted for the tears they shed. Thus, as little girls grow into women, they know how to exhibit compassion for others. Boy’s limited experience in receiving validation of their feelings produces grown men who often just want women to get over it. A frequent complaint I hear from women is the man’s desire to fix it. Men skip over the beat of empathic compassion only because it’s the beat of a drum they are not accustomed to hearing. It’s difficult to know how to exhibit compassion when one has been told not to feel. My experience in working with men and couples is that the man’s typically deficient response comes not from a place of selfishness (which is often perceived), but from a place of inadequacy—of just not knowing what to do.
The path onto which boys are thrust as they are pulled away from their emotional selves is a path of competition, achievement, and performance. This new journey for males is garnished with great support from all segments of our patriarchal society---parents, schools, peers, and movies. One client told me that he realized he had been competing in some way, shape or form for every day of his life since age 5. He received recognition through his athletic prowess as a boy, through his work as an adult, as a provider in his family, and even in sparring debates with peers. What this means is that he lives with the pressure to win, to prove his self on a daily basis. This compulsion to win leaves him in a state of only feeling good enough when he is the victor. Further, it results in always needing to be better than the other person. An unhealthy self esteem develops based on achievements, income, and attributes rather than his inherent sense of worth.
I defend men because their emotional disconnection is not a conscious choice. It is burdensome to carry the perpetual weight of the need to accomplish and succeed. It is self-destructive to be disconnected from one’s own feelings as well as the feelings of one’s loved ones. It is for this reason that men at times lose the respect of their children and the love of their wives. I understand that men come to relationship with a deficient set of relational skills. I also know that it is up to women to guide the men we love back to their original state of emotional connectedness. If we are to be happy in relationship, then it is imperative to inform men of the impact of their behavior on us and to hold them accountable. The key is to be lovingly assertive. Although every woman in the world wishes it weren’t true, we do have to moderately and respectfully request of men what we are wanting. We have no right to expect them to give us anything we haven’t asked for. And if we don’t ask, then we are stuck with a man trying to guess based on his own limited version of intimacy. Men, by the way, are most often relieved to know exactly what it is that will make their partner happy. Men finally have a map, and we all know how men don’t like to ask for directions. Yet their upbringing did not provide them with a guide to emotional intimacy. The solution is to gently place the map in front of them, not to scream that they are going the wrong way or to sit silently as they pass the turn. As men begin to speak their feelings, the woman’s years of frustration of dealing with an invulnerable male often lingers in the air. His emotional words are met with harshness. In which case, the man is likely to recall those experiences of a little boy—to remember that it’s not okay to express his feelings and to “batten down the hatches” once again. Therefore, it is important to be a safe landing for our partner’s feelings rather than to sabotage the dream we’ve always had of having an emotionally connected partner.