It happens. We wish it didn’t, but love fades. The man you fall madly in love with will ultimately disillusion you, and you will disillusion him. It is normal. One of the reasons this happens, except in the rarest of cases, is that we come into relationship unarmed with the knowledge of who the person really is. It takes time, a lot of time to truly know someone. We all come into relationship acting our best. In addition, with all those initial chemical sparks firing within your body, it’s easy to overlook any flaws that may show up. And besides, this phase feels so good, who wants to see a red flag? Yet, it is impossible to live with someone and be pleasing to them at all times. There are moments in every relationship where you just don’t like or even hate each other. Although our culture gives a message of happily ever after, the truth is real intimacy is an art to be practiced daily. It doesn’t just happen. Terry Real defines the stages of love as Love without Knowledge, Knowledge without Love, and Knowing Love. This final stage means that you know the person and choose to love them, warts and all. It involves recognizing that you are getting enough from the relationship to make it worthwhile and grieving the loss of those things that you are not getting.
When disillusionment occurs in a relationship, it becomes vital to repair it. The revolving cycle of a healthy relationship goes from harmony to disillusionment to repair and back to harmony. If the repair does not occur, then the relationship stays and ends in “stable misery.” When I explain this phase to the women in my office, the resounding response is “That’s where I am.” It’s the place where many women live, and it can continue until “death do us part.” This part of a relationship is characterized by resentment, stagnation and often retaliation. It is a lonely and an angry place to be. It is during this phase that many people resort to seeking the intensity anywhere but in the relationship. Whatever is used to fill the void, whether it is work, an emotional or physical affair, alcohol, drugs, the children, exercise, or even shopping, only serves to maintain an unhappy relationship. It also keeps the couple from addressing the issues that are sitting like an elephant in the room. At this point, if only one partner is self-medicating, you can be sure that someone else is sitting at home in great pain. The reasons why people stay immobilized in this phase are many—financial security, the children, the fear of being alone, and just plain not knowing how to do the repair work.
How does repair occur? Terry Real refers to repair as “connection in the face of disconnection.” It means cherishing your relationship and making it your top priority, no matter how angry or hurt you may be in the moment. Remember the love. Express your future wants in a loving and respectful way, rather than a litany of whatever the partner has ever done wrong, and negotiate. Think about what you do in your worst moments (such as withdraw, retaliate, yell or become defensive) and do it differently. A return to harmony means that both you and your partner become accountable for any behaviors that contribute to the dissatisfaction in the relationship. Be certain to seek your intensity from inside the relationship, not from outside of it. Whatever you or your partner are resenting in the relationship needs to be repaired, and it takes a whole-hearted effort by both of you. If you have tried to do it on your own and are still harboring any resentment, then it is important to consider couples counseling. It doesn’t mean your relationship is a failure; it means you are trying to make your relationship a success.