“Nag, nag, nag, that’s all she does.” This statement is a resounding quote made distinctly by men about women. The verb is even definitively used as a noun to describe a complaining woman. When I see couples in my office, the woman typically comes in with a list of valid ways that the man is not showing up in the relationship. When I ask the man what he would like to change in the relationship, a common response is “I would be happy if she would just stop nagging.”
Why do women nag? The answer is simple. It is a desperate, repetitive attempt used after much frustration to get the male partner to respond to their wants in the relationship. Women mistakenly believe that if they keep reiterating what they want over and over again, the man will finally hear them and respond accordingly. The truth is generally that men tune out the woman’s complaints and continue to do what they’ve always done, assuming that eventually the storm will blow over.
How does the nagging stop? If you are a man reading this article, the answer is again simple. Simply listen to what your partner is asking of you and respond accordingly. That doesn’t mean that you have to say “yes” to your partner’s every whim. It does mean that you brake to remind yourself that you care about your partner. Then, ask yourself if their request is something that you can possibly do. If so, do it. It is acceptable to say “No” to what your partner is asking if any resentment about taking the action is likely to leak out in the relationship. In those cases, say “No” and make sure to add an option of what you are willing to do. Notice that when these steps are taken, the issue will actually be addressed and won’t need to be brought up over and over again.
If you are a woman reading this article, the “nagging” can stop today by learning to speak in a way that your partner can and will hear you. In Relational Life Therapy, we tell partners to change every complaint into a request. A request should only need to be made a couple of times. Initially, it sounds like an invitation, “Would you….?” If the invitation isn’t accepted, then make it more personal “I know you’re really busy, but it’s really important to me that you…” Finally, if this second attempt is resisted, it is time to realize that your partner isn’t likely to come through for you on this one. Can you accept it and consider all the other ways your partner is coming through for you? Hopefully, he is. If so, just let go of your attachment to this one (that is, as long as the request is not to stop an abusive behavior). If, however, you can’t let go of the request without resentment, then it’s time to move to demand.
A demand is used as a last resort and only when the issue is a deal breaker. Both male and female clients often bristle at the use of the word “demand.” It is seen as an attempt to control; it is not. We can not possibly control another person. It is actually an effort to save the relationship. A demand gives your partner a choice, and clearly lets your partner know what is going to happen if the behavior doesn’t change. Your partner can then do whatever he wants. There are consequences to virtually everything we do in life. A relationship is no different. It is how we teach people to treat us.
A demand is not an angry threat. When made relationally, it sounds like this “I love you and I really want our relationship to work. I’m not going to be happy in this relationship as long as you …., so if you continue to..., then I will ….I truly hope you will meet me so I don’t have to take that step.” The consequence can be anything that is meaningful to your partner and likely to get his attention. It absolutely has to be a consequence that you are going to follow through with or the demand means nothing.
Last but not least, once a demand has been made, remember that you can not control the situation and detach from the outcome. Let there be no more nagging! Stop complaining. Start requesting. Speak tenderly. Unite as women to create a new stereotype!