Over and over again, I hear people say how much they love their partners and then hear accounts of the unloving things they do. It is unloving to either verbally or physically push someone around, to have an affair, to lie, or to do anything else that you know ahead of time is likely to hurt your partner. Words are meaningless unless they are backed up by actions that support them. To borrow a quote from the movie The Last Kiss, “What you feel only matters to you. It’s what you do to the people you love that matters. It’s the only thing that counts.” It is about being accountable.
Accountability is one of the most important elements of a relationship and can be the defining factor of whether or not a relationship can be saved. It means doing what you say and making your actions congruent with your feelings and your words. It also means taking responsibility for your actions. Accountability applies to all facets of a relationship, from the little gestures to lifetime vows. It applies to fulfilling whatever commitments are made to each other, whether it is being home in time for dinner or maintaining fidelity. When a person is truly accountable, you can depend on every word the person says to be true, every promise to be fulfilled.
I once loved a man who over time became highly unaccountable. After engaging in some behavior that was hurtful to me, he would inevitably show up with a rosebush to plant and words of remorse. The words sounded good; the rose garden that grew over time was beautiful. Yet this man inevitably would commit the same offense, arriving once again bearing gifts and apologies. In the end, his words and the gestures he used to deflect from his transgressions meant nothing; I could no longer trust his words to be true. The relationship had to end.
It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with an unaccountable person. They don’t generally accept responsibility for their mistakes. It’s either your fault or someone else’s fault, rarely, if ever their own. Partners are expected to forgive and “get over it” without behavior changes being made.
I have seen people take a passive-aggressive stance, professing that if they don’t commit to do something, then they don’t have to worry about not doing it. It is actually the way the person gives himself permission to be unaccountable. Accountability doesn’t necessarily mean you have to do what you say. It means that you will make every effort, and will let your partner know if you can not follow through with your agreement. The effort to notify someone often requires only a few seconds of time and thoughtfulness.
In a good relationship, partners are accountable and they hold their partners accountable. Holding a partner accountable means setting limits about what you are willing to tolerate in the relationship and not allowing yourself to be mistreated. If your partner doesn’t do what he says, what are you doing about it? People get fired from jobs if they don’t show up, yet often people don’t show up in their relationships and it is tolerated. The person who allows someone to be unaccountable usually ends up becoming a doormat.
For singles, look for indications of accountability from the beginning of dating. Does he call when he says he will call? Does he follow through with what he says? Or is he a smooth talker who talks a good game, but whose actions don’t substantiate his words. If he is making grandiose proclamations of your future together on the first date, he is probably not going to be accountable.
Accountability is really about being accountable to yourself and to your partner. If you allow yourself to be mistreated, you are not being accountable to yourself; you are not treating yourself lovingly. If you don’t follow through with your pledge to someone else, you are not being accountable to them. Act lovingly when you love, act humbly when you err. Indeed, what you do in relationship and in life is the only thing that matters.