There are two roles in communications between couples in conflict—speaking and listening. As I guide couples through the steps of healthy communication at Relationship Skills workshops, the listeners agree their role is the most difficult. The same is true during couple’s therapy sessions in my office; the listening partner frequently has to be restrained over and over again from interrupting. The interruption means one thing—the partner isn’t really listening. Instead the partner has been engaging in a dialogue in their head that they can’t wait to bring forth. The words with which the partner reacts are almost guaranteed to have absolutely nothing to do with actually having heard their partner. Instead, the “listening” partner has actually been engaging in a very self-absorbed process in which he listens with the intention of utilizing what I refer to as one of the Five D’s. The partner has been listening with the purpose to Deny, Dispute, Disagree, Defend or Deflect.
When someone has been listening with one of the Five D’s, the reaction will go like this: Deny: “It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do it.” Dispute: “That’s not what I said. I said…” Disagree: “It’s unreasonable for you to expect me to…” Defend: “It was just because ….” or Deflect: “You did the same thing to me last week.” In none of these examples will the partner feel understood or heard. In fact, all of these reactions only make a bad situation worse.
It can be hard to sit and listen to when someone thinks we did something wrong. One of the reasons it is difficult to listen is that we have been conditioned to believe that it’s not permissible to err. Discipline, verbal backlash and rejection leave us with the impression that it’s not okay to be fallible human beings. Our involuntary reflex becomes to find some way to negate our mistakes. When utilizing this reflex, we are not accountable for our behaviors and we are not truly listening.
Real listening means that the partner listens to understand the impact of their behavior on the person they love. The intent is to repair the issue between them. Most of the time when a partner is speaking about a relationship issue, some negative feelings have been triggered. The speaking partner frequently feels hurt, angry or afraid. These feelings are the real essence of what needs to be addressed within the relationship in order to return to harmony.
It is helpful to understand that feelings triggered in relationship can often be connected to earlier childhood wounds. The partner’s feelings are frequently not only about the particular incident, but are compounded with feelings around past incidents. For example, Ted couldn’t understand why Pam was so hurt because he didn’t buy her gifts that were surprises. After all, he listened to what she said she wanted and asked if she would like it for her birthday. Yet, when Ted listened at a deeper level, he learned that Pam only received used gifts as a child. She had not experienced receiving surprise gifts chosen just for her that helped her feel special. Once Ted realized this connection, he was able to empathize and wanted to create a different experience for Pam.
To listen relationally, take a deep breath and tell yourself that you care about your partner and want to understand why he may be unhappy at the moment. Make every effort to listen to your partner’s voice rather than the one inside your head. Listen for any shred of what he or she is saying for which you can take responsibility. Don’t focus on the parts with which you disagree. Your role is simply to understand your partner’s experience, not to debate the right and wrong of it. Resist the compulsion to tell your side; it doesn’t really matter. Ask questions for clarification. You might ask if this incident brings up any feelings related to prior experiences either in your own relationship or in childhood. Try to connect to how your partner feels, to how you might feel if the situation was reversed. Consider that you are getting an education in how to please your partner. Remember that it is in your best interest to learn, and that life is likely to be much more pleasant if you do. Listen with the goal of healing whatever needs to be healed within the relationship. And before you speak, make sure you are not planning to utilize one of the Five D’s.